Stuff on my mind... in my heart, things that make me smile, laugh, think... What inspires me, confuses me, entertains me... I love this especially, from author Thornton Wilder: "We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures." That, is perfect...

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Merry Jolly Happy Wonderful Thankful



And as I spend a few moments to catch my breath before scurrying off on yet another Christmas related mission, I have to be thankful for a few moments. It's not thanksgiving, but the end of the year and the Christmas season always trigger reflection over the past year... I can lean towards getting all atwitter at some of the less than favorable things afoot in my life... and it is easy enough to invoke the "look at me, woe is me" thing... What I choose to reflect upon at this moment is all the things with which I have been blessed.

I could list or catalog or inventory the many blessings with which I am surrounded... my kids first and foremost, and the love and support of friends, my abilitiy to think and communicate, and my nice girl Maggie, who loves me without condition and reflexively... a warm house, and on and on and on... Liane is so very important to me, and I would be remiss without mentioning her. Rather than blather on and repeat and recook the same sentiments I leave you with this: Merry Christmas, and many blessings to you and yours in the coming year.

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures." Thornton Wilder.


Friday, December 11, 2009

and again...


Besides the multitude of celebrities, I have been party to at least ten funerals this year, four in the month of January alone. Over Thanksgiving the father of another close friend was buried.Yesterday, my daughter and her boyfriend attended the funeral of a woman from her boyfriends Army Reserve unit, who involved in a horseback riding accident just before Thanksgiving, and passed away last weekend. My brother's mother-in-law died Wednesday at the age of 83. We go, we hug family, we hear eulogies, some powerful and inspirational, some tired and empty - some we don't hear at all, as we are lost in our thoughts of mortality and the meaning of it all...

Cayla, the woman whose funeral was yesterday, was 22. She was married January 9, 2009. Her husband was in Iraq when she was injured in the accident. She never regained consciousness... and last week the family made the decision to donate her heart, liver and kidneys for transplants. Four people will get new life because she lost hers. Cayla joined the Army right out of high school, and had been in Kuwait for a year from mid 2007 to mid 2008. She was in college seeking a degree in large animal veterinary science. It's over now, she is resting in the cold, frozen ground.

Her husband will have to go back to Iraq. Her unit will carry on without her. Her family has memories and a whole in their hearts. And life will go on, whether we want it to or not. My prayer is that her almost 11 months of marriage was fulfilling and made her happy. In years to come, her husband will be able to remember her and smile and know that their time was fleeting, but good. We all need to remember that life is like that, fleeting, but good. Embrace today, and each other.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

first snow



And the snow begins to fall outside my window. It is the first snow of the season. The farmer has just finished cutting down the corn in the field across from my house. Everything is so quiet, a car goes by once in awhile, and the sound carries a long time. I always wondered why the quiet seems so much quieter this time of year, and the sounds that do come seem to echo across time and space almost endlessly... then I looked around and discovered - it's the leaves.
More so the lack of leaves. When the trees have leaves, there is a constant white noise of rustling, of the breeze meeting leaves and knocking around inside a tree, dusting the branches, caressing each leaf. And when those leaves have fallen, there is silence in their place. And the millions of leaves that serve as buffer or shields to all the sounds between our ears and the source of those sounds... swallow up and don't allow what we are able to experience in the purity of winter.
Taking a walk this time of year unlocks treasures that are kept hidden from us during the other times of the year. The leaves hide many things from us, and though I love the fall, and as the leaves leave us, they give us a splendor and grandeur that give new expression to the spectrum of color. When those leaves rest on the ground, they give our ears that same chance to drink in a spectre that eyes cannot comprehend. Nature has so many treats for all the senses, but this kind of quiet surely has to be a balm for the soul. The cool air dives into the lungs and refreshes and renews us as well, but being able to turn off all the other sounds and hear just what peace sounds like, is a peace that heals, a peace that caresses and soothes.
Yes, there will be the howling swirling gusts of winter that pound at the foundations, and the snow will pile up and bury many of these treasures, and the cold will be so raw and penetrating, and we will be left wondering what purpose we have in ever leaving our homes... but now, in this light, with the first snow falling, with not a sound to be had for miles around, I can feel the blood pressure plummet, I can feel a peace descending that won't be quickly dissipated. We all have our vision of a perfect day... and yes, a clear blue sky, with a whisper of a breeze on 75 degree day surely might be that.
But here and now - the grey in the sky is sprinkling the confetti that celebrates another change of season. That sky seems to have swallowed up every sound as well, so when that deer darts for cover just ahead, his hooves are like thunder, and we share a kinship of accelerated heartbeat and adrenaline, and does he know that he startled me almost in the same way that I startled him? Around the next bend in the trail, a fox and I share a moment of pensive study, as each wonders what the other will do. I have the luxury of stopping this time, allowing her to go wherever she would like, as I am not out seeking food, just more silence.
In this season of giving and receiving, nature wants to take part as well. It gives us that sense of awe and wonder, and reassures us of the timelessness of all things, this quiet existed eons before I got here, and will not be chased away by helter skelter busyness that people want to chase after. I have come to reclaim my gift of wonder, and the woods gives ceaselessly, unselfishly, breathtakingly, heartbreakingly, quietly.

Monday, November 23, 2009

And I am...

...very thankful this week, and hopefully all the time. We have so much for which we can give thanks. Since the kids were little, the tradition at our house is to say grace at the evening meal, and then go around the table and state a few things for which we can be thankful - guests included need to say at least one thing. I like to stay mindful of being thankful... it is so easy to wallow and get lost in the details and the stresses of day to day living... We are buried with riches from which many other people from many places around the world would gladly accept the things that we discard, or the crumbs off of our table.

I am so thankful for friends, and words of encouragement
I am thankful for memories of fun, love, laughter and friends
I am thankful for creativity, imagination, wonder and the joy at being able to share these gifts
I am thankful for laughter
I am thankful for caring, loving and thoughtful gestures
I am thankful for a text, a phone call, a warm message, just for the heck of it
I am thankful for the health and love of my family
I am thankful for the trip I took last month with my dad and my three brothers
I am thankful for my two absolutely wonderful kids

Amen... I am thankful for all the things remembered and forgotten, in my past, yet to be discovered, for knowledge, wisdom, and the ability to smile in the face of life's challenges.

I am thankful that for all the gifts that my dad has given me, his motto of "Every day is a good day, some days are just better..." will stay with me forever. He recently turned 81, and I am thankful for him every day...

What are you thankful for?

Thursday, November 5, 2009

and so it goes...



I seek counsel and advice from many quarters... I try to listen attentively. I wish to be open minded and consider all points of view. I love to hear what other people have to say. We can only get better by absorbing all the information that we can, and by making informed decisions, yes?

I am conservative by nature - now there is a newsflash. Both in political matters, somewhat in religious matters, though I try not to be unloving and accepting as I can be. I am very conservative in matters of the heart, and having an understanding of me thusly, the rest of me is quite liberal, with, I hope a loving and accepting temperment, some who tries to embrace instead of reject, look for similarities and shared beliefs, instead of knocking down a person who may not think like I do in everything...

I have set out recently, to be more open to more kinds of situations, to reach out to people to see if there might be, somewhere out there, a safe harbor for this tired and somewhat cynical heart. I am still an agnostic when it comes to these matters - yes, people can find that life partner, that soulmate (tired as that expression has become...) - but I still do not know if there is that someone out there for everyone. Just because some people find it, does not guarantee it for everyone.

As luck would have it, or fate or whatever, I made that contact with someone. We had advanced those tentative steps, made each other laugh, had some things in common, and enjoyed similar things. We are not mirror images of each other, but that is not a deal breaker for me - I like strong independence, and uniqueness, and there was pretty to be attracted to. Talk of meeting and getting together... we almost had a chance this past weekend, but schedules did not quite mesh, but there will be other chances...

And so the venture continues. Still tentatively exploring one another - sharing our pasts, sharing stories, of triumph and of disappointments... it's all fun at this point. We laugh a lot, we are very open and encouraging each other, which leads to more sharing. It's all good. She got so comfortable with me, in fact, that she was willing to share with me that she would be willing to meet me, no matter what her boyfriend thinks.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

say what?



Texting - it allows for creativity, spontanaeity but restrains one to limit thyself to 160 characters...


fountainblow4u: wat say u pour sum sugar on me?

heatseeker: Sugar? Not sure that I have any... could go to grocery store though...

fountainblow4u: lol u r 2 funny, not that kind of sugar... ur sugar, yanno?

heatseeker: Ok, I think I see now... we are talking of the non-dietary kind...

fountainblow4u: wud luv 2 add that 2 my diet, got sum?

heatseeker: Got plenty... how much do you require? (What does the recipe call for?)

fountainblow4u: I think I c now 2, you just a dumbass. Go find ur own sugar, jerkoff!

heatseeker: Jerkoff? I don't see any vodka in this recipe...

Monday, November 2, 2009

I should like...

I should like to think that today, with all its treasure and promise, can be a day as any other, in fact the best one, because today is the only day that we have right now.

I should like to think that laughter is one of our most important gifts...

I should like to think that the reality of any circumstance will stay with me, longer than the colors of pettiness and jealousy and other negatives that will try to stain it as time goes by...

I should like to think that my smile is a gift I can give freely, easily, and effortlessly, and that when I hoard it, that effort takes more energy than just letting it go naturely...

I should like to think that the love I have harvested is far superior to the love I have given, but that I shall go on giving it... and worry less about how it is returned...

I should like to think that sharing a smile should always be far superior to sharing gossip, or rumors or innuendo... I know, not as much fun, but still, so much more enduring and endearing...

I should like to think that keeping silent can be so much more rewarding than the alternative, regardless of how we might think we are serving the greater good by speaking up...

I should like to think, that there are times, issues and circumstances, that verily cry out for us to cry out, and being silent is the absolute last refuge of a coward....

I should like to think, that I just like to think...

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

My favorite letter

The man pictured below, Major Sullivan Ballou of Rhode Island, wrote the letter below. It is one of my most favorite things to read. His words of passion and devotion are so moving and powerful to me. He found a cause worth dying for, yet wanted his wife to know that she still meant everything to him. A week after he wrote this, he was killed in the First Battle of Bull Run. Last week on the trip out east, I visited the place where he was killed. It was a very, very special moment for me. So I had to share his letter, yet again... Enjoy.

July 14, 1861

Camp Clark, Washington


My very dear Sarah:
The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days - perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write again, I feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more...
I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans on the triumph of the government and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and sufferings of the Revolution. And I am willing - perfectly willing - to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this government, and to pay that debt...
Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me with mighty cables that nothing but omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly on with all these chains to the battlefield. The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them so long. And it is hard for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when, God willing, we might still have lived and loved together, and seen our sons grown up to honorable manhood around us...
I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me -perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar, that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battle field, it will whisper your name...
Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have often times been! How gladly I would wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness...
But, O Sarah, if the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they love, I shall always be near you, in the gladdest days and in the darkest nights... always, always, and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath, as the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.
Sarah do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again...

Sullivan Ballou

Monday, October 26, 2009

Pictures from visit to Civil War battlefields

Above, the five of us gathered in front of the Tennessee memorial to soldiers from the Volunteer state... These and almost all of the Confederate state memorials were along Seminary Ridge at Gettysburg, where the South held their positions through much of the three day battle. It was near here where the rebels began their ill-fated charge, called Pickett's Charge, across the landscape on the third day, losing half of their men in the charge and sealing victory for the Union.


Here are the four of us gathered around the monument to the 20th Maine, who were led by Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain - a professor at Bowdoin College in Maine. Chamberlain and his men were almost out of ammunition and saved the day for the Union by employing a seldom used bayonet charge to subdue a much larger Confederate force. Chamberlain was played by Jeff Daniels in the movie about this battle titled, strangely enough "Gettysburg", based on the book "Killer Angels."


Below are Mark and my dad, by a cannon that was used in the battle of Gettysburg, near a monument that was erected to commemorate the 75th anniversary of the battle, when some 1,200 surviving veterans of the war, all in their 90's, came for the dedication of the monument. President Franklin D. Roosevelt spoke - the year was 1938.







Ok, so it wasn't all somber... this is the four brothers enjoying some conviviality at TGI Friday's, conveniently located across the parking lot from our hotel in Gettysburg... This was Monday night - the day that we arrived in G'sburg...

From left, conveniently, though not intentionally in birth order, Steve, Mark, John and Tom

Friday, October 23, 2009

Civil War Trip






Civil War Battlefield Road Trip – October 18-24, 2009 – A brief outline of our trip.
1) Left home at around 3:00 PM Sunday afternoon, and stayed in Elkhart, IN
2) Monday, Oct. 19 reached Gettysburg, PA around 5:00 PM. Grandpa, Steve and I went to visit the Pennsylvania Monument as night fell, and it helped us get our bearings for the next day’s trip around the battlefield. We ended the day with several hours of beer and jocularity at TGI Friday’s next to our hotel in Gettysburg.


3) Toured Gettysburg National Military Park, with an auto tour CD which gave us audio from a battlefield tour guide who narrated a two hour tour, which we turned into nearly five hours worth. An awesome day of seeing some of the most famous sites in the Civil War. Saw many of the states’ monuments, both ends and the middle of the Pickett’s charge, Little and Big Round Top, Devil’s Den, Seminary and Cemetery Ridges. Stayed in Gettysburg again.
4) Wednesday, Oct. 21 – visited the National Soldier’s Cemetery in Gettysburg, as we ended our time here. Visited Cemetery Ridge once more to see where the battle ended. From Gettysburg, we went on to Antietam National Military Park near Sharpsburg, MD. Saw the Sunken Road (or Bloody Lane), Burnside’s Bridge and the Dunker Church. This was where more than 20,000 soldiers were killed or wounded in one day’s battle in September, 1862. Stayed in Rockville, MD that night.
5) Thursday, Oct. 22 – visited Arlington National Cemetery in the morning – saw the changing of the guard at the tomb of the unknown soldiers, Robert E. Lee’s former home of Arlington House, the graves of the three Kennedy brothers; we marveled at the orderliness, beauty and serenity where more than 300,000 servicemen from every war and conflict that this country has been involved with since the Civil War. That afternoon we traveled from Arlington to Manassas, VA – site of the first and second battles of Manassas, or Bull Run. It is of personal interest to me, as the site where Major Sullivan Ballou of the First Rhode Island, was killed. His letter to his wife Sarah, is to me one of the most beautiful and heartrending pieces of prose that I have ever read. Stayed in Stafford, VA, near Fredericksburg.
6) Friday, Oct. 23 – visited Fredericksburg and Spotsylvania National Military Park in Virginia. Saw the Sunken Road and Marye’s Heights, sites of awful carnage, where thousands of Union Soldiers gave their lives in fruitless pursuit of Union Gen. Ambrose Burnside’s ambiguous battle plans. From there we visited the Wilderness National Battlefield and saw where many soldiers must have thought they were in hell, as the thick, overgrown forest started on fire due to the gunfire, and many wounded soldiers burned to death because they could not escape the flames.
7) We left Virginia around 3:00 PM and are now staying in Monroeville, PA, anticipating a return to Wisconsin sometime tomorrow in the late afternoon.


Pictures at top are of Pennsylvania Monument at Gettysburg, where the names of all 34,000 Pennsylvania soldiers who fought in the battle are listed... and Burnside's Bridge at Antietam National Battlefield Military Park, near Sharpsburg, MD where hundreds of Union soldiers died or were wounded trying to cross over Antietam Creek.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Effort

And so we press on, doing what we can with what we have... And sometimes, our very best isn't good enough... we look, we assess, we prod, we investigate, we do our due diligence, we offer, we open up, we say what overflows from the heart... sometimes it's not enough, sometimes it's TMI, sometimes we want it back. The best is unfiltered, unmeasured, uncalibrated... sometimes we feel stupid about the effort put forth, maybe the timing was wrong, maybe we totally missed with our assumptions, maybe our attempts at comfort, or support or encouragement or humor, were way off the mark... Awkward silence, dumbfounded looks...
We can only do what we can do, and we only come equipped with so many gifts. We can study, and listen, and absorb and hone and try to get better. It seems as if our gifts only get sharper, and we can't quite get all those rough edges smooth. There is nothing grand in defeat, especially at the moment of its arrival. Mumbled words, shrugged shoulders, mouthing of platitudes... it didn't end like this at all, when I pictured this in my mind. The mental rehearsal went flawlessly, every word was well received, everything fell into place, the tears were dried, the crisis averted... but now, well, this is just too bad.
And just because success was not ours, does not mean failure. Because the end result was not for what we had hoped, does not mean total, final failure. Even the sting of the moment sews some hope for the future. We do not feel that there may be hope, but that does not mean there is none present, or germinating... who knows what oaks of triumph lie waiting in the acorns scattered at our feet. Tears stinging at our cheeks, the pummeling of the speed bag within our chest does not tap out messages of joy and celebration - but does that vital muscle within us, that barometer of our soul, take from the smoldering ashes around us, and fertilze the ground secure in the knowledge that a spring of rain and summer's warmth is all that it will take to push forth a harvest of plenty, someday down the road.
The sting is real... the quiet is deafening. Doing our best is what we should do, what we must do, what need to do, have to do, cannot allow ourselves to do anything but... and too often short term results are the only measure that we take. Instant gratification is the crack cocaine of our culture. If it were all easy, we'd never get better at anything. Would celebration be all that precious if that is all we ever did. From the ashes of defeat, pain and loss, we have to know that the only loss that is ever final, is when there is the loss of hope.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

pain defines us...

I am hurting physically today, but I like it... It has been a busy, busy week or two, some home improvements going on, my son involved in his high school's homecoming, my daughter home from school this weekend. I took some time yesterday to move a bunch of wood that needs to be split up so that I can burn it over the winter... it was a good amount of wood, but it was a great fall day, overcast, on the cusp of wet weather moving in... I got the wood moved to where it needs to be, with the help of my beloved John Deere... I so enjoy the feeling of tired achy muscles reminding me of a job well done. Now, I am off to be further productive, whilst my two tired seedlings begin to wrestle with the light of the day... albeit five hours after that light has arrived.

This pain I can live with... and don't mind pondering or reliving... it's all good.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Listen, but ignore...


Sometimes we have that conversation in our head that can go on for days... you try to tune it out, push it out, turn it off... but it goes on anyway. It's a scene from our past, a woulda shoulda coulda moment, it's a conversation we want to have or one that we might have had. It's kind of harmless, it can help to organize your thoughts, help you to see things from a different perspective... but that doesn't make it reality.


The gnawing doubts or the insecurities, the petty jealousies, the imagined, or real slights, the way that you are treated or feel that you have been treated, they are there, safe in your mind. Turn them over, figure them out, learn from them in ways to make yourself better. Don't respond to them as if they really happened. Don't believe everything you think.


Things are safe in your mind, you need to take your own counsel sometimes - that does not mean that everything that goes on there is the undisputed truth. You need to feel and believe and to be your best friend... someone has to stick up for you. You have to be passionate on your own behalf - but that does not mean that everyone will care about every single morsel of thought and discussion that went on inside you. It's important to you, but need not go beyond you, yourself and well, you.


Loneliness, fatigue, insecurity, an overactive imagination... all can take places at the table when these discussion groups meet inside your head. Let them have free rein. Just don't publish the minutes, and for God's sake don't feel compelled to have to act on their recommendations.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Living a Dream


Life should be all kinds of "I get to" things instead of "I have to" stuff. Some of that comes with attitude, some of it comes with our situations and how we choose to deal with those realities. Too often I allow myself to wander down the path that leads me to question what is missing from my life - when in reality, my life has an embarassment of riches, and I should spend idle time pondering my blessings, instead of bemoaning why it isn't perfect.
In about three weeks, I "get to" add another slice to the lovely dessert that is my life. I have talked about doing it for a long time, finally, fruition time has arrived. On Sunday, October 18, I will embark on a wonderful journey. My dad will be 81 in November, and is still in excellent health and of sound mind and all that good stuff. Instead of waiting for too long and then wishing that we had acted sooner, my three brothers and I will be leaving on a Civil War tour. We are going to take a week and just visit Civil War battlefields in Pennsylvania, Maryland and Virginia.
The trip is all mapped out. My oldest brother, who will be celebrating his 60th birthday on the day that we depart, is a pastor, and when he completes his pastoral functions that day, we will get in his van and head for Gettysburg, PA - site of one of the most famous battlefields in all of a American history. More than 50,000 Americans were killed or wounded during the battle that took place over the first three days of July, 1863. I have been there, back in 1995, but only for a cursory tour of the place in a driving rainstorm. I vowed then to come back with my dad. I have no words for how excited I am to be taking this trip.
From Gettysburg, we travel south to Antietam, or Sharpsburg, Maryland - site of the single bloodiest day in American history. Union and Confederate forces fought at very close quarters and neither side flinched. Union Commander General George McClellan had been tipped off to General Robert E. Lee's Confederate plans when a Confederate officer had accidentally left his copy of the battle plans lying around. A short time later a Union soldier had found the prize - the plans were wrapped around three cigars. The discovery of the plans should have allowed a smashing Union victory, but the cautious McClellan moved too slowly and was only able to fight to a draw, with both armies limping away from the September, 1862 debacle, and no end to the carnage for another two and a half years.
Those two are locked in as destinations. From there we will most likely detour a bit to our nation's capital, or just across the river from it, to visit Arlington National Cemetery in Arlington, VA. Two of my brothers have served in the armed forces, and it is a site that I just think we need to include. The elevation and lofty perch of the cemetery, which was Robert E. Lee's home until the Civil War started, is just such an awesome and lovely place, home to final resting place of two Presidents of the US, Supreme Court Justices, soldiers, astronauts, explorers - an almost "Who's Who" of American History...
After Arlington, we hope to visit other Civil War battlefields in Virginia - possibly Manassas (site of the First and Second Battles of Bull Run), Chancellorsville, Fredericksburg and Spottsylvania. I am in charge of investigating the sites, finding out hours, admission fees and all that fun stuff. I think we will have a meeting with all five of us to go over the itinerary and make sure that we are all on the same page... but the main thing is that we are going. It will be odd, very strange indeed, for the five of us to travel together and NOT have our golf clubs with us, but we all have a fascination and sincere interest in the Civil War and our nation's history... and to be able to do this together, makes me so happy, I am almost at a loss to describe how I feel.
I get to do some Civil War history research, on site, with my family. I don't know that it could get any better than that.

Monday, September 14, 2009

On managing happiness...


A good friend and I shared some time together recently - catching up on old times, catching up on recent happenings, just plain old catching up. We had covered all sorts of topics - politics, travels, family, and we had found our way through a few bottles of barleyed truth serum, and more than a few hours, then we both grew silent. It was a beautiful evening - calm, warm, a stellar late summer day. The silence was not awkward, we both were drinking in the moment, and the surroundings, and reveling in just being together again, she dropped the question. I hate the question... but I knew it was coming.

"So, are you happy?"

The longer it takes someone to compose their answer, the longer it takes for their head to wrap around some great truth, no matter how nimble and well nuanced the answer is... I was busted. I recognize the cycles and rhythms of life, and how I have approached life and turned it more into a chess match than a trip to the playground or the beach. Make the properly calibrated moves at the proper time, anticipate what each move will precipitate so that you are thinking three or four moves ahead - this will eliminate surprises and take you in the direction that you want to move.

"I am," I said finally. Plying my face into the biggest smile, engaging all the muscles of my face, putting the twinkle effect into my eyes... all of it. "The kids are good, I get to do a lot with the theatre group, the marching band and though I am by no means wealthy or even well off, the wolf is not at my door, there are people who are in much worse circumstances than I am..."

And I believed all of it, I still do. You know, my dad's mantra of every day being a good day, and some days being better, is true. The words just hung out there for awhile, she smiled supportively, nodding, not quite able to make eye contact with me, she knew that I would have wilted from the scrutiny.

"Whatever, Tom...whatever you need to tell yourself. I saw this side of you six or seven years ago, when you were just sleepwalking through life just trying not to become depressed. I saw it again more recently... maybe three years ago or so... Happiness is not something transient, it can be your default setting. You suck sometimes, you really do - you know so much about making other people happy sometimes, but you somehow feel that you are not deserving, or for some reason you can't fit it into your schedule right now..."

I know what she meant, and her words were not hurtful in any way, shape or fashion. It was a challenge. She recognized that I had built the walls up again. I did too, but I had thought of it more as laziness - not wanting to put myself out there again. One of the corollaries of making bad decisions is not that you will start making good decisions from the lessons, for me I stop putting myself in any kind of position that requires any decisions to be made. I fill my life so full of stuff, I do - my calendar is full, absolutely crammed full, so that there is little time for any other pursuits besides the absolutely essential.

I am not despondent or angry, or dispirited... just uncomfortable. I love much of my life, and I would not do what I do just to make it seem as if I am busy. I am purposefully and purposely pursuing worthwhile things - I just don't quite need it all, and I need to make room for the wonderful, the frivolous, the refreshing... some things that give me energy and spark and some time to myself. I have not wandered aimlessly in a cemetery for some time, a pursuit of singular beauty and peace... and I hereby vow to make that happen before this week expires...

I need to climb on my bike with no real destination in mind. I need to call people and talk with them, without any desired outcome or appointment in mind. I need to write with color and expression and just throw words at a canvas and see what new colors can be created. I need to cry for the person who I meet in the mirror every so often, instead of averting my eyes and rushing out the door to my next "thing."

As I read of others who venture into the great unknown, and leave caution behind, I see the great rewards that are possible with taking a risk, taking the road less traveled, making eye contact... My happiness does come from sharing the joy of others, I am an empathetic person, and I shall never recoil from that or apologize. That is completely different than defering my joy, setting aside my place at the banquet, just for some other purpose or to meet someone else's agenda.

As my friend left that night, we hugged, and it was not just a parting embrace, she really wrapped herself around me. "Don't be afraid of happiness... life doesn't need to be an endless marathon, you running yourself to exhaustion, with another race to be run tomorrow." As I watched her drive away, I felt a glow of warmth. Somehow, amidst all of my striving to drive my life underground, I have people who love me, and continue to drag me toward the light. It's up to me to stay there, and for me to realize that life in the bunker can be pretty safe... just not very fulfilling.

Friday, September 11, 2009

And so...

When things hang over my head, I get tense... I can feel it right now, I am clenching my jaw. I hate that, I never used to do that. I am giving a presentation in two hours, and it is kind of important, and it is kind of a coup that I got this opportunity. I am ready and psyched... but I wish that I cared more. I feel like I can do this, and that I will present what I need to present, be nimble and clever, make them laugh and think, politely ask for questions and politely respond to same, thank them for having me and leave... On to the next thing...
Sometimes I feel that I am nothing more than a task doer. Get this done, then go on to the next thing. Good for you, another thing done. Got this done, that done... yup... ok, what's next. I worked a booth last night for a community event - got there early, put the booth up, got all the info out and ready, met people, made some contacts, talked with some really cool people, which will give me some more opportunities... took the booth down, went home...
Here I am today, met some more people, made another presentation, and am preparing for the next one. Here is my list, there is my calendar - yup, that's done, good job, that's done - what's next. I do that, shake hands, laugh... network, schmooze... go home.
It's another day. I feel content and happy as some concerns have been removed. Then I sit there and balance the checkbook, attend meetings of some organizations of which I love and care about, and see - yup, money is tight, maybe if we could just squeeze and hold out here and there, next year at this time will be much better... kind of like last year, except we weren't making any decisions last year because we wanted to see how bad it could get. Now we know, but let's just wait now, just to see what happens...
Cross off the date, I went to the meeting... I said my peace (piece?) and so, now it's time to move on to the next thing. Oh yeah, grab an apple, cookie, and a bottle of water... now I don't need to squeeze in supper - cross off that from my list. Hey, can we do lunch next week - what day is good for you. I'll call you, just have to check my calendar. Another thing on the list.
How are things with you? Good, good - busy, but good. I am crossing things off my list left and right.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Every day is a good day...

My dad's favorite saying - "Every day is a good day, some days are just better." I say it all the time, try to adhere to it, but don't always fully subscribe to it. Every day should be a good day, but let's face it, some days just suck. Every day is different, every day is an opportunity every day gives us something to remember, or something that we would like to forget.

There are days that I have lost completely... lost to thought, lost to regret, lost to feeling sorry for myself, lost to the general nature of someone who is ADD by nature, curious sometimes to a fault... without laying out all the shortcomings of my life and personality, let's just say that there are many days that I could've used for better, more meaningful purpose. Each day allows me the chance to see who I am and what makes me tick. At night, staring into the nightime abyss before I allow sleep to overtake me, I try to take inventory of the day's successes, failures, opportunities, and challenges... and to try to memorialize those things that were of most value to me. I try to learn every day, grow every day, and get better every day. As one of those members of the human race, I do not succeed every day.

As I look back at the past five or six years of my life, I have been blessed with some wonderful occurrences. I cannot begin to enumerate here how my life has been enlarged and enriched by some of the people and happenings that have been brought my way. Too often, however, I am probably committing myself to personal paralysis by allowing some of these grand happenings to become enshrined in a personal Hall of Fame to the point that I suspend so many other pursuits in my life. I tend to focus on them to the exclusion of continuing to live my life.

For all the richness that some experiences bring, we keep them in our memory. We cherish them, and relive them. If they become a kind of trinket of an obsessive nature that we are only too happy to fawn over and worship, we can become a hostage to a past that for all its loveliness and excitement, is still in the past. I have done that, too many times. There are times that I would rather ruminate over some distant memory than to seize the day of which I am currently feasting upon, and thereby lose it forever. I love so many of my memories - there have been some golden moments in my life... but do I do myself and those currently in my life a disservice by dragging this past around like a ball and chain.

We can't revisit our past, outside of in our memory. We can recast it to be larger than it was, and construct it into a shrine that requires special care and handling. We clean and sanitize our memories, and take away all that is disagreeable and elevate it to a status far beyond what the reality held for us. Sometimes this is a necessary pursuit, as we need to, at least I do... construct these monuments in order to bring purpose and drive to life that might ordinarily stall or stagnate at some mundane and thankless task.

There are some memories worth preserving, no doubt. Some that always make me smile, or pause and feel a warmth that life can want to suck from us on a regular basis. The trick is in having the memory be a photograph, to be viewed and reflected upon with joy and a smile... When it becomes your favorite movie, and you linger over it repeatedly and expending hours and hours and replaying it in your mind in betwixt, it is beyond a memory and into the realm of fixation. It is fine line to be walked... linger over a good memory... but life is to be lived in the here and now. Kind of like driving - you need to look in your mirrors once in awhile, but if that is where all your attention is... an accident is not just likely, but inevitable.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

When she got home

The total quiet struck her. Her entire day had been noise, distractions, interruptions, chaos. How quickly it all melted away as she closed the front door behind her. Safe at home, safely home. She walked over to the desk and saw the answering machine blinking, two messages. She did not listen to either one, nor did she change it so that any new calls would still go directly to voice mail. In her mind, the day was over, and she had nothing more to give anyone else. What remained of the day would be devoted to herself. She walked to the bedroom, immediately kicking off her shoes. It was not a frenzied strip tease, as no one awaited her. But it did have purpose, and she wanted to immerse herself in the tub just as soon as possible.
Already partially undressed, she arrived in the bathroom and turned on the faucet, allowing her hand to dally under the discharge; she found the desirable temperature, closed the drain and allowed it to fill. She wanted warm, very warm. She was not cold, but she wanted a nicely warm, not scalding bath. She added some bubbles… It wasn’t overly sexy, just some bubbles that smelled of lavender and would make her feel like a woman again. Well, ok, she felt like a woman all the time, but the repeated dumb ass requests of her boss, and the never ending interruptions from Engineering and the mind numbing drive home and the feeling that the day was never ending… let’s say they all played a part in undoing her normally calm and resilient nature. She just wanted to do nothing for awhile, to feel the warm water caress her, to hear some calming music, maybe enjoy a glass of wine, and just turn off her brain.
As to the wine, she found a bottle of some dandy looking Oregon Pinot Noir, from the Mt. Hood region of Oregon, called “Hood Nights.” She smiled “It sounds good to me,” and grabbed a glass and the bottle and headed to the bathroom. She circled back, opened it and popped the cork, taking a little whiff which stayed with her all the way back tub side. She thought how the crappy day still had a chance to be rescued. She would do all that she could to keep it on this positive trajectory. She kicked off her panties and stood in front of the mirror. She looked good.
The smile broadened… She winked at her reflection and blew herself a kiss. She allowed a hand to caress herself from her hip to the side of one breast. Nice, smooth skin and she tingled and shuddered just a little. She turned on her IPod and was just going to let it shuffle its way through its inventory. She repositioned the speakers for maximum exposure to the bath, and then scrolled through theme choices – there it is – “Soothing.” It would limit her auditory selections to classical, New Age and light rock. Just the right combination to keep the edge off.
Just then her practical, motherly side started to tap her on the shoulder. She needed to check out the messages; there could be an emergency or something that needed her attention.
Without covering up, she walked her naked self over to the answering machine. The first one was a telemarketer who never got to share his remarkable secret for whatever it was that he was hawking before the delete button sent him to “never was” status. She quickly went to the second message. That voice was not familiar to her, but was calm, soothing and she could tell by his voice that he spoke with a smile. He beckoned her to smile and relax, and she raised her eyebrows and stifled a laugh – it almost seemed that this guy was watching her from somewhere, yet the message had said that it was left at 2:10 PM that day. She looked around, fully realizing her nudity for the first time, yet his voice, so soothing and warm and gentle, caused her to moisten somewhat.
“Who is this?” Yet she was mesmerized. He continued – “enjoy your bath, yes, lie back and feel the stress of the day just melt away. I know you’ve chosen some wonderful music that will lend itself to taking you away from all that this day was. Make sure you light a couple candles, right after you pour the wine… the nice warm glow from the candles is all that you will need.”
“What the hell?” She thought… “He can see the future, and read my mind…” She was spooked by it all, slightly, but also, she was turned on. With each word that he spoke the warmth and moisture multiplied within her loins. She was definitely aroused. After a pause, he began to speak again.
He wasn’t done! What the hell! He continued “After your bath, and please, don’t hurry through it, enjoy every minute that you have… please, scrub and wash and soothe and soak every last care away… But when you are done, and ready to get out, please consider the following opportunity. I believe that I am within 20 minutes of the sound of your voice. I would love it, I would consider it a wonderful privilege and honor to come to meet you, and finish off your day with a massage. I would like to be there when you get out of the tub. Think about this offer, and when you feel that you are about 20-25 minutes from being ready to be massaged into another solar system, calls this number.” And he gave his cell phone number.
Talk about planning, talk about a sixth sense. Talk about confidence! She was stunned; she stood there as if her feet were nailed to the floor. Unconsciously, his voice had led her hand to moist center, and she played with herself, finding her clit already exposed – she was on fire. Some of her excitement was already trailing down her thigh – what was happening? She picked up her cell phone from where she had left it, repeated his cell phone number, and slowly walked back to the bathroom. The water was deep enough and then some, so she shut it off. She reached in to feel it, and it was just perfect. So warm and inviting. That was not the only thing, her other hand had left the cleft of womanhood, and she slid the finger back and forth, now strumming her aching clit.
She could come in a matter of seconds, if she wanted to, but there was no urgency. Her head was still swimming in the intoxication of some magician’s voice. She started to suspect who it was. Would she meet him, would she call him back?
Every pore, cell and fiber of her being was crying out to be touched by the owner of that voice. Yet, could she? Was she nuts; was she absolutely nuts to pursue this? She poured a glass of wine, lit three candles along the edge of the tub, placed her phone within reach upon the toilet and slipped into the water. She wanted to dismiss, just for a moment, the issue at hand, and luxuriate in this lovely pool of liquid heaven. The warm water felt so good, and she exhaled deeply. “Ah yes, “she sighed heavily as every inch of her, save her face and hair were now submerged in the water, “this is the ticket.”
After a few minutes of submersion, she felt sufficiently calm and relaxed to begin addressing her situation. She wasn’t quite sure if this were an opportunity, or quite what it was, but she needed to decide how she wanted to handle it. She knew that she had felt of rush of giddiness upon hearing his proposal, and there was no question that her body had reacted in a positively passionate way. If his way with his hands is as good as the sound of his voice, he wouldn’t even need to touch her sexually and she could still get off. That thought made her smile, and scared her somewhat. What was she actually considering? Was she really serious about taking him up on his offer? As she continued to turn it over in her mind, her hand had wandered betwixt her thighs again, and her fingers were toying with her mound, opening the lips and tenderly caressing herself. She raised her knees up and pushed a finger inside – no denying it – she was hot.
The situation that she now found herself had some risks. But she felt something intangible, something warm and so human and so inviting. Her “hinky” meter as she called it, was not signaling anything that should lead her to be suspicious or in any way fearful. She set aside her trepidation. She did increase the tempo of finger sliding in and out; oh it felt so, so good… Enough deliberation, she knew what she wanted and she was willing to throw caution to the wind for once. She wondered if she should finish this lovely prelude, and finally decided against an orgasm for now. Her main reason for the soak in the tub was to relax, refresh and renew, and she was willing to forego a sexual rush, for now. She lay back down in the tub, cleared her mind of everything, and let out a long cleansing breath. For a few minutes yet, she wanted to feel the warmth, let the day slip away, be nothing for just a little bit.
In a hotel room not far from where she was enjoying her bath, he was quite satisfied with himself. He felt that by now she must certainly have heard his message, and had embarked, at least in some fashion to following his directives. He was a bit tired, but he felt the adrenaline coursing through him, and his fatigue – the result of planning and directing his little virtuoso performance, was no match for his sense of excitement at being this close to realizing a long held fantasy. No, not a fantasy. A fantasy can be achieved with some extra cash and a call girl. She did not belong in that category whatsoever. He was about to come face with meeting someone of interest to him, someone who was more than intriguing, someone with whom he had achieved a lovely and familiar kinship. He smiled at himself in the mirror, as he finished shaving his neck and chin. He set down the razor, dipped his hands under the faucet and rinsed his face. He ran his hand over newly smoothed face.
He stepped to the shower, turned on the faucet and felt the shower running with hot water very quickly. He stepped under the spray and felt instantly invigorated. He grabbed the bar of soap and quickly generated a huge ball of suds and dragged the bar up and down his body. He turned his back toward the showerhead and soaped up all over. It felt excellent. He was happy with the progression of events that had brought him this far. His hands found his penis; half erect and generously soaped it up as it grew to full length. He thought of allowing himself to bring about a climax, and his up and down motion would certainly have achieved that in moments. It felt nice to touch himself sexually, and the buzzing in groin grew steadily. He reached under to caress his balls, and tried to remember the last time that they had been emptied – he smiled, if it takes you this long to remember, it could not have been too memorable nor very recent. He opened the curtain and grabbed the razor from the sink. He adroitly removed the stubble from his groin area, quickly excised any hair from his sac, and then finished all around the whole area of his genitals, feeling it repeatedly to make sure nothing was missed.
He stood and stroked his rock hardness for a bit, and felt the urgency growing. What would it hurt to cum right now? As quickly as he was about to launch his load and stopped, and concluded that maybe keeping an edge on would be better. His cock continued to bounce and throb, as he stopped just seconds from the inevitable conclusion. He turned toward the nozzle and watched the suds dissipate to nothing. He held his penis up toward the spray and felt the delightful tingle on his swollen head, and knew that he needed release, but was determined not to go there yet. He rubbed the clear drop of liquid pre-cum that had formed, and loved how slippery it made his purple cock head. He was so aroused… he couldn’t wait for the fruition of his mission. He patted the mushroom head and said “Soon.”
Her pulse had quickened, but she was feeling good. The bath had done its trick. She felt good, relaxed and renewed. She sat up. The water had cooled somewhat, but was still comfortably warm. Her nipples had blossomed into rigid thimbles at the sound of his voice earlier, and even now, after the time had passed and she pushed everything out of her mind, they pushed out from her breasts and just ached to be touched. She tenderly felt each one, taking them between a thumb and forefinger. She rolled each nipple betwixt her fingers, and an audible groan escaped her lips. There was no denying that she was stimulated and fully aroused, and each passing minute made her want to experience something full and complete. She rose and stepped out of the tub. She felt warm, vibrant, sensual, and alive. Her skin tingled with excitement. She glanced at her phone and wished that the call had already been made. “Just pick it up and make the call,” she said. As she patted herself dry with the towel, she looked at her naked flesh, and felt a hot, burning ache in her midsection. She longed to be touched, to be caressed, fondled… she wanted to scream, she wanted to explode. As she ran the towel up her thigh, she could not stop her thumb from pausing at her hot snatch, and she was surprised at how wet she was, and she knew that not all of it was the result of the bath. Her clit was exposed, and she moaned as she caressed it.
She picked up the phone. She walked out to the land line phone on the desk. She pressed the button and listened to the message again. She closed her eyes. “Oh my God,” she exhaled heavily… “He is going to make me cum with the sound of his voice.” As he spoke his cell number again, her hand trembled as she wrote it down. Then, without pausing to think, she pressed the numbers on his phone. She had to see him; she had to have him, now. She wanted him here, right now. She heard the phone ring. “Yes?” he asked calmly. That voice, whatever else his skills and particulars, she wanted him talking in her ear. She cleared her throat.
“Um, hi. This is, well, you know who this is. Please, come now, don’t say anything or talk too much – just get your ass over here before I change my mind.” She gave the address and asked if he could find it. He said that he was putting the address into his GPS and he would be right over.
“Thank you,” he said and his voice was gone.
She closed her phone and closed her eyes. It was done, he was on his way. She suddenly became aware of her nakedness. She thought for a second – how to cover up and at the same time remain in the moment. Well, some semblance of common sense needed to be employed – as much as she wanted to show up at the door in the raw, she needed to be sane about all this. She put on a t-shirt and panties, and put her robe over them. Being dressed was not what she wanted at that moment, but hopefully this would be a short-lived circumstance. She took in a deep breath and went to her bed. She wanted to be massaged upon her bed, so she tossed all the pillows aside, turned the covers down and began lighting candles. She turned up the thermostat to 74 degrees, she wanted the room warm. She didn’t want any kind of chill to dampen her enthusiasm or to cause any type of pause. In her closet she pulled down some thick flannel sheets, and spread them across the bed. She surveyed the room, and thought it was just about perfect.
Looking to find solid ground, as things had started to whir past her in a frightening blur; she sat down on the bed. She hadn’t stopped to think or plan things out from every angle and perspective, and this was so unlike her. She had jumped headlong into something delicious and enticing, and she pushed away any inkling that hinted at possible danger. She had not realized that she had lain down, and was not aware of any passage of time, when the doorbell rang. She sat up stunned, trying to regain her wits. She glanced around and it all came to her quickly. She had not dreamed this. And he was here! She turned to the mirror, and liked what she saw. She walked with deliberate speed to the front door, inhaled deeply, and opened it. She smiled, he smiled back. “Hi there, at last we meet.” He opened his eyes wider, inviting a response, she just stood there.
“Yes, come on in, hi!” Since she didn’t step away to allow him to pass, he took a chance, and stepped right to her, opening his arms. They embraced – nothing half-hearted about this. It was not an A-frame hug, as there was no light visible betwixt them. All her hesitancy, however small it was, melted away. There was nothing sinister here, it was just natural. This was going to be a lot of fun. They held each other longer than either of them would have guessed. He broke it first, but just to look into her face. She was smiling. Really, really smiling. He stepped into her home and she closed the door.
“Not to rush things,” he said, “but let’s get started. I came here for a purpose, and I don’t want you to feel that I have ulterior motives.” His smile was so warm, and he was so genuine. She took him by the hand (we are so familiar, already, she thought…) and led him into the bedroom. He paused along the way to shed his coat and shoes. He was dressed comfortably in University of Wisconsin sweats and tennis shoes. He tossed his socks and they landed on top of his shoes.
“Here we are,” she offered with a smile. Her bedroom. She immediately dimmed the lighting so that just a warm glow remained. The room was comfortably warm. “Is everything OK?” she asked. “Can I get you something to drink?”
“Whatever you are having is fine.” She went to the kitchen for another wine glass. She retrieved her from the side of the tub. She filled them both. They clinked glasses and each took a sip.
“Hood Nights,” she offered, “an Oregon Pinot Noir, from the Mt. Hood region… not sure how I heard about it, or how I ended up with some, but I like it. What do you think?”
“Lovely,” he said, his eyes all atwinkle. “Methinks I could handle water from a bird bath, as long as I could share it with you…” They both considered the remark, and wrinkled their noses simultaneously. “Maybe not,” he laughed, “but you know what I mean.” He motioned toward the bed. She smiled and nodded. So now it all begins she thought. And not a minute too soon, she wanted him, she knew it. She needed him to touch her, to make her feel alive again, to make her feel like a woman should feel, just to be touched; she so wanted him to touch her. “I’ll let you get comfortable on the bed, however that works best for you,” he said softly, “and I’ll step into the restroom and we can start as soon as you are ready. Sound good?”
She nodded. He closed the door behind him. Now she would have to make a decision. She did not think, the robe, the panties and t-shirt were soon on the floor. She grabbed a nice fluffy towel, and draped it over herself, and she laid face down on the bed. She adjusted the towel so that it covered her from shoulders to mid-thigh. She was so ready. “Ready!” she called in his direction. Immediately he appeared out of the bathroom, clad in some loose gym trunks and a grey t-shirt emblazoned with the words “Are we having fun yet?”
“Hey this is very nice, I think that you will enjoy this.” With that he stepped to the side of the bed, and kneeled down. He told her that this was to be an enjoyable massage, and that it was his intent to make her feel good. She was to tell him, as he progressed, what felt good, and if she wanted more or less of what he was doing. He said that silence meant that it was satisfactory, and that moaning, smiling and words of affirmation meant that he should continue. All she had to was to say the word “no” and he would stop what he was doing. “Just lie there and relax and enjoy, and tell me whatever it is that you want me to do. I mean it, this is all about you.”
“Yes, please,” was all she could muster. With that he began. She felt the towel being lifted from her back. Soon it was replaced with warm oil. She wondered how he did that, and then made up her mind not to think so much. He lightly massage her temples and her scalp, and whispered to herself to breathe deeply, to concentrate on her breathing – to inhale, hold it, and then exhale fully. That was her assignment, to concentrate on breathing, and leave everything else to him. His fingers were so talented, they weaved around her cranium, and they knew just the right pressure around her temples… she felt herself sinking into the bed. She gave not a thought to being naked before a stranger, she just wanted his magic fingers to keep making magic. He slowly moved down to her neck, and shoulders, and started to press and knead more firmly. Wow, she thought, I thought that I was relaxed. He found a knot near her solar plexus and worked it out. His fingers worked her flesh, pushing, pulling, going deep enough into the tissue to relieve any ache or pressure, but not so deep as to even approach the threshold of pain. It was good, so very good.
She felt wetness betwixt her legs. She knew it was inevitable. The blood was coursing freely through her body, as each tentacle of soreness or stiffness was driven from her, the relaxation that ensued quickly transitioned into desire and arousal. She considered flipping over and cutting to the chase, but no, let him continue. His hands made big circles from her neck, down her shoulders, over her shoulder blades. Damn, he was good. She moved her hands so that her arms were straight out from her shoulders, giving full access to everything on her upper torso. He moved up and down her entire back, first just feeling the surface with his palms, then gradually slowing his pace, increasing the pressure, and kneading here and there as he felt necessary. One hand reached for the oil and she felt new warmth down her spine. He stopped to work the new oil in. His hands worked her thoroughly, hearing contented sighs and moans of “Oh yeah,” and general satisfaction at his efforts. He liked that. He stood up and picked up her hand, stroked her arm from shoulder to wrist. He gently massaged and manipulated her muscles, and saved her fingers for last, stroking each and every one of them. He laid the arm back down again, and she felt that it was nearly weightless. He repeated nearly every stroke and touch on the other arm.
Her smile was peaceful and she could not imagine feeling any better, but she hoped to discover that other possibilities were in store. As he finished her arms, he knelt on the bed, and she could feel him straddling her, right over her buttocks. She was startled, but only briefly. He started a new lovely assault on her upper back, making big circles, this time including her sides and rib cage. It was so good. She thrilled as his hands moved over the sides of her breasts, and she felt as if her nipples were on fire. Yes, oh yes… more of that please. She wasn’t sure if that actually was said out loud, but she definitely wanted that. After a complete tour of her back, he stepped off the bed, and grabbing the oil bottle, gave her a generous helping on her butt and upper thighs. It was so warm, and she wiggled her hips with the pleasure. His hands started on her lower back, and she let out a huge breath as some crick or another was chased away. His hands glided smoothly over her lovely derriere, first checking the landscape, and then on the return stroke, going into the muscles. He certainly knew his way around a woman’s body.
Involuntarily, her hips came up off the bed a bit, and her legs parted as well. She couldn’t help it, she wanted him to have every opportunity to meet and greet every last millimeter. His thumbs were active on her lovely soft mounds, working and working and working. He watched her for any sign of hesitancy, and seeing none got bolder with his entreaties upon her willing flesh. She felt him part her cheeks, and his thumbs grazed her back passage. He went lower, to where her thighs met her buttocks, and made sure he did not miss anything, anywhere. He kneaded and pressed and worked her muscles. Now he lightened the pressure, and allowed his fingertips to skim over her shiny skin. She was about to explode. With the backs of his hands, he fluttered his way up the small of back, over her round cheeks, down her thighs. Yes, she felt it; he had grazed her wetness, and had even made contact with lips. So as to remove any last shred of doubt, she opened legs even wider. She was floating… He worked her hips now, more intensely, and spread his fingers as widely as possible, taking each cheek fully into each hand, and he opened and closed his palms. His thumbs again were near her puckered hole, and she never realized the sensations that she was capable of feeling. She felt a wave of liquid gush forth from her pussy, as if she were clenching at something that had entered her. If only…
He spent a generous amount of time on her thighs, putting his arms into the process. With his fingers extended, he pushed upward, from knees all the way up to where her thighs met her torso. His ring finger was aligned with the source of her wetness, and with each upstroke, he allowed a fingertip inside her. She was on fire; she tried bearing down on the bed to get them in deeper. As he finished her lower legs, her calves, shins and feet, she slowly went out of her mind. He had created a firestorm within her, and she wished him to be an octopus, and to have eight hands making her insane. He was gentle and firm, and knew just the right amount of pressure, and how to touch her, everywhere.
“Your choice,” he said. “Take a break here or continue. The posterior portion of the festivities is complete for now. What would you like now?”
As she rolled over, her smile was of a blissful nature, touched with intensity. As her naked form was revealed to him, he was overcome with desire. “I think we both know what comes now,” she said, just above a whisper. With great effort she raised herself up and beckoned him with her open arms. She pulled his head down for a kiss, and their mouths greeted each other with a frenzied urgency. They kissed fully, her hands around his neck, their tongues probing. She was breathless. Her skin was flushed, she was downright hot. Hot with lust and cooking from the warmth of the oil and the room temperature. She uncoiled her hands from his neck, and sought his gym trunks, and pulled them to his knees with one move. She whispered that it was not polite to have the lady be the only naked one in the room. He quickly complied. She was not the only one aroused. He was rock hard, and ready as well, and a thin clear thread of his passion stretched from the end of his cock downward several inches. He bobbed in twitched in anticipation.
They went to the bed together, and the kiss resumed. Her hands found his butt cheeks, and she made clear that she wanted to be entered. She opened her thighs widely, and she reached and took him in her hand. She stroked him lightly from base to head, and he moaned into her mouth. She paused at the top of the upstroke, and milked the head for his pre-cum, and spread it around the head with her thumb… “Now,” was all she could muster. She laid all the way back without removing her hand from his shaft, and she guided him in. The incredible fit and warmth took his breath away. It was wonderfully tight around him, yet she was so ready that he had sunk in all the way immediately. As his weight settled upon her, they quickly found a rhythm. Neither one hurried, as even with the urgency, they both wanted it to last. She felt his back and butt, and helped him with some intense thrusting. She lifted her pelvis to greet him, and that was all she needed. Her clit had been ready for some time, and this angle was perfect…
Coming… she was coming. The lightning bolt exploded within her, and her mouth fell open and she was not able to kiss anymore… She tried to take him body and soul inside her, and she felt herself clench around him, and then wave after wave after wave… she was outside her body, and felt her hips bucking, her breath ragged - she opened herself up and let it wash over her. He continued to thrash away inside her, and he was managing a small measure of control and restraint. She felt so good around him, her orgasm was so intense, and he had to steady himself as she gripped him even more tightly. He put his lips to her neck, and listened to her frenzy, as he thought she was reaching a plateau and perhaps about to come down, another wracked her and he felt his crotch getting splashed again; she could not stop, she was on fire. He reached down beneath her, and clenched her ass, and bore down harder within her. This angle caused her even more stimulation, and the second wave hadn’t fully completed when a new eruption took over. She tilted her head back all the way, and tried to catch her breath. All that came out was “eh, eh…” deep breaths, and repeated “eh, eh, eh…” She grabbed him fully, trying to gain control. They were creating wet sloshing sounds, his thrusting became more intense. He could feel the sensation building as he continued, but he cared not, he wanted more, he wanted to go forever, this was so good, they fit together like puzzle pieces, she met each thrust with one of her own…
She felt him gaining momentum. She almost been out of consciousness… the pleasure had created a new sensation for her. She had never been so fulfilled so satisfied, yet still wanting more. As he pistoned inside her, she reached up and bracketed his face with her hands… she wanted him to know how good it was how good she wanted him to feel. Not necessary, as her touch was all that he needed and he felt the furnace like itch uncoil and he knew that he had arrived. He felt as if he was falling, and the warm, liquid glow that surrounded them was like a cocoon, and with each spasm he thrust harder, emptying into her loveliness over and over. It seemed to go on forever, spasm, recoil, again, again, no end to it. She curled her arms around his shoulders, and felt him explode inside her and silently wished for it to be close to how she had felt. He continued to let go, firing again and again, he had no idea she created such a longing… Finally he was spent, but only gradually slowed down, as he seemed to have no control over any part of his body, and the motion once started, almost refused to subside.
They kissed again, as the spasms waned for both of them. It couldn’t have been any better. To last any longer possibly threatened their health. They broke the kiss and placed the side of his head on her chest, just below her neck, and listened to the pounding of her heart. They were still joined, neither was sure if they could ever be separated… Time had stopped, and there was no other place but here. As their essence pooled beneath them, the trickling tickled her, and she giggled. He looked into her face and saw not a trace of fear or trepidation. They were exhausted, but fulfilled, sated for the moment, yet thirsting for more. They gazed into each other eyes, trying to find words that did not exist, their bodies had just said it all…