On managing happiness...

A good friend and I shared some time together recently - catching up on old times, catching up on recent happenings, just plain old catching up. We had covered all sorts of topics - politics, travels, family, and we had found our way through a few bottles of barleyed truth serum, and more than a few hours, then we both grew silent. It was a beautiful evening - calm, warm, a stellar late summer day. The silence was not awkward, we both were drinking in the moment, and the surroundings, and reveling in just being together again, she dropped the question. I hate the question... but I knew it was coming.

"So, are you happy?"

The longer it takes someone to compose their answer, the longer it takes for their head to wrap around some great truth, no matter how nimble and well nuanced the answer is... I was busted. I recognize the cycles and rhythms of life, and how I have approached life and turned it more into a chess match than a trip to the playground or the beach. Make the properly calibrated moves at the proper time, anticipate what each move will precipitate so that you are thinking three or four moves ahead - this will eliminate surprises and take you in the direction that you want to move.

"I am," I said finally. Plying my face into the biggest smile, engaging all the muscles of my face, putting the twinkle effect into my eyes... all of it. "The kids are good, I get to do a lot with the theatre group, the marching band and though I am by no means wealthy or even well off, the wolf is not at my door, there are people who are in much worse circumstances than I am..."

And I believed all of it, I still do. You know, my dad's mantra of every day being a good day, and some days being better, is true. The words just hung out there for awhile, she smiled supportively, nodding, not quite able to make eye contact with me, she knew that I would have wilted from the scrutiny.

"Whatever, Tom...whatever you need to tell yourself. I saw this side of you six or seven years ago, when you were just sleepwalking through life just trying not to become depressed. I saw it again more recently... maybe three years ago or so... Happiness is not something transient, it can be your default setting. You suck sometimes, you really do - you know so much about making other people happy sometimes, but you somehow feel that you are not deserving, or for some reason you can't fit it into your schedule right now..."

I know what she meant, and her words were not hurtful in any way, shape or fashion. It was a challenge. She recognized that I had built the walls up again. I did too, but I had thought of it more as laziness - not wanting to put myself out there again. One of the corollaries of making bad decisions is not that you will start making good decisions from the lessons, for me I stop putting myself in any kind of position that requires any decisions to be made. I fill my life so full of stuff, I do - my calendar is full, absolutely crammed full, so that there is little time for any other pursuits besides the absolutely essential.

I am not despondent or angry, or dispirited... just uncomfortable. I love much of my life, and I would not do what I do just to make it seem as if I am busy. I am purposefully and purposely pursuing worthwhile things - I just don't quite need it all, and I need to make room for the wonderful, the frivolous, the refreshing... some things that give me energy and spark and some time to myself. I have not wandered aimlessly in a cemetery for some time, a pursuit of singular beauty and peace... and I hereby vow to make that happen before this week expires...

I need to climb on my bike with no real destination in mind. I need to call people and talk with them, without any desired outcome or appointment in mind. I need to write with color and expression and just throw words at a canvas and see what new colors can be created. I need to cry for the person who I meet in the mirror every so often, instead of averting my eyes and rushing out the door to my next "thing."

As I read of others who venture into the great unknown, and leave caution behind, I see the great rewards that are possible with taking a risk, taking the road less traveled, making eye contact... My happiness does come from sharing the joy of others, I am an empathetic person, and I shall never recoil from that or apologize. That is completely different than defering my joy, setting aside my place at the banquet, just for some other purpose or to meet someone else's agenda.

As my friend left that night, we hugged, and it was not just a parting embrace, she really wrapped herself around me. "Don't be afraid of happiness... life doesn't need to be an endless marathon, you running yourself to exhaustion, with another race to be run tomorrow." As I watched her drive away, I felt a glow of warmth. Somehow, amidst all of my striving to drive my life underground, I have people who love me, and continue to drag me toward the light. It's up to me to stay there, and for me to realize that life in the bunker can be pretty safe... just not very fulfilling.