I have been down this road before. I have am so diffident and aloof to matters of the heart sometimes that it scares me. I am not seeking the one... I hope that I am not repulsive or so defensive as to absolutely cancel the possibility, but I am sorry, I just don't seem to have the energy for it. It seems like too much work, so fraught with danger, so much downside to almost completely negate the upside... If I want to be depressed, I will just look at my bank statements. I have a full life, a daughter in college who is in love with life, her boyfriend and completely immersed in her studies... and a son in high school, who is popular, smart, athletic and fun... they're joy, success and fulfillment is mine.
I enjoy my volunteer endeavors - I am president of a community theatre group, and we are about to embark on a production, my son and I both have landed roles in it. I get to chaperone trips with the marching band that my son is a part of, and I know some awesome people involved with that and we get to take some great trips to interesting places. I am working three jobs, in various fashion, so that is interesting, and gives me all the sleep deprivation that I could hope for. I am not anti-romance, I love being in love and I am so happy for those that find it and thrive with it... I just don't think that it is for everyone, and too many of us, me included, just don't know how to get it right...
I fell in love with a woman in November, 2003. We were attracted to one another immediately, we had similar interests, similar sense of humor, kids of similar ages... I adored her, still do in fact. We laughed and loved and we so enjoyed being with each other, it eclipsed anything else in my life. It was great, I was so happy. She was married. It couldn't last, it didn't. I was shattered, but recovered. We are great friends now, and I will always love her deeply. A part of me will never allow myself to be that vulnerable again, ever... a part of me is so thankful for everything that we shared, and I would not trade those six months for anything... and a good part of me knows how fragile I am. That romance awakened a zombie, who had learned how to tread water quite nicely, after dealing with depression in 2000-2001. She taught me about life, challenged me to be more, grabbed a beating heart and taught it how to open up and pound and pulsate.
I know that there are more than six billion souls on this planet, and that chances are that one of them would be just right for me... still sounds kind of risky to me. If the planets all align and I stumble upon her somehow, hey, that would be peachier than something. In the meantime, I have three books that I am trying to read, taxes to do, lines to memorize, a chaperon schedule to layout, and a house to maintain. I have a dog and cat who love me and ask nothing more of me than my presence, and two kids who keep life full and interesting. Can't it just be good enough to be content?
oh tom...i'm wishing on those same planets aligning too. i find myself avoiding love at all costs. yes, it's a damn amazing feeling, but being hurt...i only needed to feel that once to know that i never wanted to feel it again. do i miss being in love? hell yeah! do i miss the hurt? fuck no!
ReplyDeletethere's a song that i have recently been listening to...i've fallen in love with this song. ~winks~ hehe it's by alicia keys, and the lyrics to this song are spot on. 'sleeping with a broken heart'
honestly tom, this posting of yours was enlightening. i really didn't think there were men in this world who just might feel the same way i do.
As my lover - mentioned above, likes to say "it is what it is..." and of course, it isn't anything else. It is a state of mind. I was driving myself crazy thinking I needed "the one" to complete me, which doesn't give me much credit... I would love to have someone to love, but I am OK like this, without driving anyone, especially me, crazy... take care, Lisa, and thanks for the wonderful comment.
ReplyDeleteIt was great to read a bit about you Tom. Well to be able to put your name to a story (for the want of a better term).
ReplyDeleteContentment is great if that is what you want/need. Matters of the heart can just be so complicated can't they. I know I've had/have my fair share. But still, even in the face of it, I think we keep searching ... for something ... for someone ... to care for, who cares for us.