another night with my best girl...

I do some of my best thinking with Maggie. She is an almost 8 year old black lab, and her and I have been pals since she came here to live in 2002. Since I had to get rid of my hot tub last year, one of my most favorite things to do is sit on the deck with her and ponder the night sky. I find myself out there when I feel down, or can't figure something out or if I just feel that I need to spend some time alone, with my best girl leaning against me... Sometimes I just need to be, to think, and to watch the night sky.

Yesterday at work I got a call from my daughter. She is a junior in college, studying to be a nurse. She has always wanted to be a nurse. From the age of four or five, she talked about being a nurse. It was the only thing that she checked into in high school. She is the hardest working student that I have ever seen. I had it easy, as does her brother, things make sense nearly right away, and reading something is pretty much all I need to understand a concept. Zack and I are alike in that we can nail a B+ or better average with little or no effort. Mel, on the other hand, busts her tail, reads and reads re-reads and continually writes notes and digests everything that she can get her hands on, and most times, if things fall into place, she can get a B... My heart breaks to see how she drives herself, not sleeping, trying to pour every single ounce of herself into her studies.

Now, her dreams have to be re-calibrated. At age 21, almost three years into college, one of her professors has urged her to drop one of her core nursing classes, because she failed a test on Monday. She will not be a nurse. We have to pick up the pieces and find what she can do. She is a talented artist, and can draw most any kind of object. Maybe there is something for her there. She is a passionate, loving, wonderful soul. She has accumulated some courses toward a psychology major. All she feels right now is that she has failed and let everyone down. She feels that all of her work and toil and effort has come to naught. And I hurt the hurt of a parent who knows that this too shall pass, but cannot find the words to give her comfort and hope. Or make meaning out of shattered dreams.

And Maggie sensed my sadness, my pain, my inability to console myself with any kind of thought or one line or small token of wisdom that I like to dole out... She licked the tears off my face, but they kept coming... I don't have the answers. Life is supposed to be that you work hard, you get rewarded. A lot of time, thought and effort went into picking this school - they want you to graduate in four years, they want you to succeed, they have a vested interest in your success. And she has professors that tell students to drop their courses... this particular one started with an enrollment of 25, there are now 10 students left. We don't want our nurses to be substandard, by any means... we just want them to be good, professional, competent... I get all that.

Maggie and I just have to figure out how to help Mel be the best that she can be... to see that this detour will really take her to a destination that was meant for her, and she will be much happier with the result. I know that, we will get her there. Right now, I just have the pieces of a shattered dream lying all about me, and I am sad. Her boyfriend of almost two years, someone whom I dearly love, has been great for her, and has been such a joy and inspiration to her... seems to be charting his own path. I believe that they will ultimately end up together... but he graduates in May, and will leave in August to spend a year in China teaching. This weighs on her too, but she wants to support him, and not hold him back... and itt hurts her, and I hurt for her. In the long run, it may ultimately be the best thing for them, and for both of them individually and as a couple. But I am tired of the long run... so tired of waiting for things to work out... of having to hold everything far off so that the big picture reveals itself.


Maggie is somewhat pleased, in that she will benefit from more nights out on the deck with me, as we face the future together. I know, I know, it will all work out in the long run.