hold my hand

I have nowhere to go, so here is just as good as anywhere else that I could be. And I have such loveliness around me. The crystal quiet of snow falling, without any sound, when wind has paused to catch its breath, and the world turns on its own, with no reason to hasten toward the next day. I peer out toward the river, and cannot see anything, even with a full moon, the falling snow obliterates anything in view. I sit with my head in my hands, a slight smile upon my face and I ponder the richness and mystery of memories.

As I went through each detail of the lovely interlude that had preceded my arrival in this spot, I was thankful for the clarity of the images. Her voice, a touch scratchy from a recent cold, and strained and somewhat muted by all of her laughing. Her voice was always a lovely thing to behold, as she always spoke with a smile in her voice. She seemed to be always on the verge of laughing, and for that reason some people did always take her seriously. But her upbeat manner and hair trigger sense of humor belied a spirit of passion and a devotion to the things that she held dear. She loved animals, she loved theater, she loved to read, and she was desperately loyal to family and friends. Though happy and optimistic, she was guarded with her feelings, and could take some time before she warmed up to anyone or anything. When that warmth was evident, it was an intoxicating thing to behold.

After the failed gymnastics on the bleachers, we had slowly made our way back to where I lived. By foot it was only three quarters of a mile or so, but it was nearly all uphill. More comedy ensued as we had trekked up the hill that led out of the park. The falling snow was somewhat slippery, and camouflaged some ice underneath, and the fall going up the hill was a noble and equal encore to the tumble on the bleachers... this time, my feet shot straight out and I was parallel to the ground for a few seconds, hanging in the air, seemingly weightless, until gravity rediscovered me and threw me to the ground. She nearly went with me, as we each had an arm around the other's waist, but the abruptness of it had thrust me away from her as I fell with a thud to the ground. Momentarily stunned, and with the wind partially knocked out of me, I gasped. This startled her further, and she thought that I was hurt seriously... When I shook my head and tried to clear the stars and cobwebs, I apparently made a sound and a face that struck her... Full blown giggles struck again, and having caught my breath, I laid out fully and just listened.

Her laughter was all that could be heard, and what a treat. I was glad for multiple reasons that I was ok, right now, the major reason was that she was useless. She fell to her knees and could not get up for a period of several minutes. When silent, I closed one eye, looked at her seriously, and whispered "Lucky for you that I love you, or all this laughing at my expense might get on my nerves..." The words caught her off guard. She smiled, her eyes opening very wide, and she took her hands, and placed them on her upper chest, fingers pointing toward her face...

"Moi?" she said. "You love me. You love me? You... love me. Well, ok." Her laughter stilled, for now, her face took on a countenance I had never seen before. As I struggled to my feet, ignoring the the newly collected aches and pains, I was anxious to pursue this topic. For clarification, for assurance, for any number of reasons. As I finished brushing the snow off of me, more so to gain time to decide how to proceed. She had turned away from and was looking off into the distance. I touched her shoulder, and she turned and threw her arms around me. She was shaking again, this time in tears.

"No one," she gasped. "No one, has ever, ever told me that."